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Finding Your Balance
By Liana Laverentz

A while back, after several conversations with friends whose lives were going haywire, I decided to turn my emails of support to them into an article on balance.  In the months that have passed since, I haven’t been procrastinating, I’ve been observing.  I’ve been watching my own life, to see if I do indeed practice what I preach about keeping a balance between my writing and non-writing life.
 
The good news is yes, I do, but while my methods work for me, I also lead a unique kind of life, and so it’s quite possible those same methods won’t work for you. 

That little disclaimer said, the best advice I can offer you is to take what you need from this article, and leave the rest behind.

And do it guilt-free.

Several years ago I realized my life was out of control, and basically not my own anymore.  I was allowing myself to be pulled in a dozen different directions, and was getting nowhere on doing what I wanted to be doing, what I needed to be doing, for me.  Self-sacrifice for others is all well and good, but if you don’t take time for you, to replenish your well, one of these days it will simply run dry, and when that happens, it isn’t pretty.  Been there, done that.  A couple of times.  I seemed to be a slow learner. 
Or maybe it was just that I cared too much about the people in my life and not enough about myself. 

So I took a hard look at myself, and my life, and sorted out my priorities.  I whittled them down to seven, and decided I would do nothing, say yes to nothing, that wasn’t on the list of seven. 

I like seven.  It’s a very spiritual number, I’m a very spiritual person.  You can pick five, you can pick ten.  You can figure out what your priorities are, and let that list be your guide, whatever the number. 

But I chose seven, in order of their priority in my life:  my son, my significant other, work (I’d rather have left that one off the list, but we like to eat), writing, karate, the house and kitties, and friendships.

So whenever something came up that needed to be done or attended, I evaluated it in the light of where it was on The List.  If a friend called to invite me to do something on a Tuesday or Friday night, unless it had something to do with 1) my son, 2) my significant other, 3) my job or 4) my writing, I said no, thank you, and went to my karate class. 

The good news is that eventually, people stopped asking.  (Or maybe the bad news, considering my friendships got totally neglected during this time period as well—more on this, later.)

There’s always that guilt factor when you say no, but I’ve learned to deal with that, too.  I’ve had to, to save my own sanity.  Dispensing with guilt in my life was one of the most freeing things I ever did.  And, guess what?  It didn’t turn me into a self-centered b*tch or completely amoral person, either.  It just saved me from being guilted into doing things I didn’t really want to do. 

Now I just smile and say, “No, thank you, not today,” or “I won’t be able to make that,” and leave it at that.  No explanation, no excuses, no openings for argument. 

But I do it nicely and, more importantly, I do it without guilt. 

Back to balance.  Well, that first effort was a good one, but didn’t work very well.  I never seemed to get past the fourth item on the list—the reality was that karate ended up taking precedence over writing, mainly because karate was scheduled at a certain time two nights a week and my writing wasn’t. 

So while I said writing was a priority, it wasn’t actually happening. 

And I was getting frustrated.

I re-evaluated the situation and came up with a different plan.  On my refrigerator, I have four magnets that say, Mind, Body, Heart, and Soul.  I stared at that for a while one day, we writers are wonderful at staring at what seems to be nothing for hours at a time J, then made a list of some things to go under each category. 

Mind – reading, writing, learning new things, helping my son with his homework, meeting challenges at home and at work
Body – exercise, karate, stretching, Tai Chi, housework (yes, housework)
Heart – my relationships with my son and significant other, being a friend, community service, making soup
Soul – practicing my spirituality, my writing, listening to music, engaging in intelligent conversation, cleaning and organizing things

I’m not trying to put anyone down with that intelligent conversation category.  Thomas Moore calls conversation “sex for the soul” and I believe it.  There’s nothing that makes me feel more alive than an in-depth conversation about just about anything.  I am a writer.  I am curious about all things.  When I come out of my cave, I want to know all about what’s going on around me.  In as much detail as possible. 

But I don’t have time for idle chit-chat or small talk, because I need to get back to my cave J.

I also have ADD tendencies, and so I need my lists and such to stay focused. 

In fact, why don’t we take a break right now, so that you can make up your own list?  Create your list of priorities, in order of importance, and then your mind, body, heart and soul lists, with at least five activities listed under each.

No one will see this list but you, so be honest with it.  Don’t write down what you think you should say.  Write what you really feel.

Then come back when you’re done, to find out what you need to do with it.

Part two…

So…back to the mind, body, heart and soul list.  You know and I know that Life just loves to take over and blow our perfectly planned schedules to bits.  So I decided I wouldn’t be greedy.  I’d only ask for two hours a day to work on balance.  I’d shoot for 30 minutes in each area to be happy.  Mind?  Thirty minutes a day of reading, or researching, or helping my son learn something new. 

Body?  Go to the Y, go to karate class, or yoga or Tai Chi class.  No time to drive anywhere?  Stay home and stretch a bit.  Or pop in an exercise video.  Just do one exercise-related thing every day, and keep it varied.  We spend so much time in the chair, we need to keep our bodies at least flexible to avoid major problems when we get older.

Heart?  Call a friend, reach out to someone in need, make soup and take it to someone having a rough time.  Some people like to bake for others to show their concern.  I love to make big pots of soup and share it.  It settles me.  My motto is, “When in doubt (about anything, actually), make soup.”  There’s nothing like the aroma of freshly made soup wafting through the house to let me know all is right with my world.  And by the time it reaches that point, when that comforting aroma starts to reach me in my cave, I have pretty much resolved whatever was troubling me when I started to make the soup.

Soul?  Half an hour of spiritual reading, or meditation, or good conversation.  Writing, most definitely writing.  And usually when I start writing, I get more than half an hour in.  Much more.  Because once I start, it pretty much takes blood on the floor to make me stop.  It’s the getting started that is the hard part, for me.  I have so many other things I need to be doing.  Like the laundry.  I am sorry, but I am one of those oddball creatures who needs to have a relatively clean house before she can write.  At least the common areas – living room, kitchen, dining room.  My home is always open to friends in need, and should one show up, I don’t want them to be greeted with chaos.  I don’t much like walking into chaos myself, when I walk through the door. 

So guess what?  Cleaning comes under the heading of spiritual in my book, because one, I am taking care of, or being a good steward of, what the good Lord or the universe or whomever you choose to call it has bestowed upon me, and two, a clean, organized house settles my soul.  That’s just the way it is for me.

But back to the plan.  Half an hour each, for mind, body, heart and soul.  You can see how, once you establish your priorities, pretty much everything you do each day can fit into one of those categories.  Some how.  Some way.  And to keep it all in balance, I use the three-day rule.  Because, face it, Life happens, and we get off track—especially if you’re like me and have those pesky ADD tendencies. 

So…if I haven’t cleaned anything in my house in three days, that moves into priority mode for the next day.  If I haven’t been to the Y in three days, that moves to the top of my (mental) list for the next day.  (I don’t keep an actual list for day-to-day activities—I like to be more spontaneous than that—but I do keep track of what I’ve been up to in my mind).  If I haven’t read anything in three days, I’ll choose that one next time around.  If I haven’t spoken to a friend to ask how he or she is doing in three days, I will call or email someone.  If I haven’t had some quality time with my son or significant other in three days, I will make time for that.  If I haven’t written in three days…

You get the idea.

I have found that this method works for me, and still allows for Life’s little diversions, like flat tires and frozen pipes and sick kitties or parents or children.  Two hours a day for “me” to replenish my well, is all I ask.  When I get more, I am thrilled, but I need at least that much to keep from feeling overwhelmed by all I have to do.  I’m a single mom.  I work, run a household, and am trying to get a writing career off the ground--for the second time.  The first time, I let my fledgling career get derailed by Life. 

This time, though, I have balance :)